Mental Health Awareness Day & The Cloud of Apathy..

With it being mental health awareness day I have decided to digress from my recent life philosophy series to hopefully add some positivity & optimism to the ever increasing turmoil in our culture known as depression. I hope to add what seems to be some paradoxical pieces of advice from my own experiences & research on the topic.

The Cloud of Chaos

When talking about the topic of Depression, I know from first-hand experience the sorrow & pain it can grip you with. I too have ventured into the sorrowful pit of darkness & experienced the ever consuming cloud of fog that saturates every waking moment of the day. I have stood at the edge of chaos where my headspace has been dominated by destructive thoughts & indifference toward life.

Thankfully, the depressive monster has been kept at bay for a long time now & luckily my headspace has been reframed through my constant & sometimes difficult work on emotional intelligence & self-regulation. Like an addict though, I recognise that the monster could raise its head at any moment if I take my hand off the ball. I am grateful that pain & sorrow are no longer dominating my internal dialogue. Instead, I experience hope & happiness on a daily basis, & indifference is replaced by an optimistic view of the future. I hope that talking about my experience & some of the lessons I've learnt along the way could help someone shed a little light into their own dark fog of depression.

Depression & The Cloud of Apathy

(Note: this is an 'general' overview of the topic & I am familiar that there are deeper complexities. My purpose is simply to provide some reasoning behind the symptoms, not to give an exhaustive one-size-fits-all approach). The symptoms of depression of feeling low, hopeless, low self-esteem, or indifference toward things you would usually enjoy could be described as 'the cloud of apathy'. The definition of apathy is 'a lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern'. Psychologists have observed how modern culture has created a system where we are forced to be concerned about everything! (Johnathon Haidt, The Coddling of the American Mind). Companies require people to work harder & longer with fewer resources. Social Media dominates our existence with outrage culture, & dictates how you should think & look. The façade of appearance & success is portrayed in often unattainable reality. The result: By forcing people to care about everything, people stop caring about anything! They become apathetic! It should be noted that the loss of a loved one, or a break-up is better understood as grief, not depression. Though grief can become depressive if the person has difficulty dialing into the natural emotion of grief (Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence).

Moreover, Gabor Maté, who has profoundly helped me to understand my own mental health, has recently proposed that modern society has created an 'abnormal' environment, & mental illness is in fact the 'normal' response to that 'abnormal environment' (Maté, The Myth of Normal). This is one of the reasons he suggests why depression has increased in recent years. Apathy is therefore arguably an intoxicating symptom of depressive mood, that could be tackled to turn the tide of depression before it takes hold. This has helped me profoundly. When the cloud of apathy triggers, I recognise that my internal equilibrium is somehow off, & vital changes are needed to be made in my own life. So how have I done it?

The issue with depressive mood is that the tidal wave of rumination sinks you deeper & deeper into despair. That negative interaction with your boss ruminates & turns into a negative belief that you are unworthy. That picture of that hansom millionaire ruminates & turns in to a negative belief that you are an ugly failure. That friend who didn't respond to your text message ruminates & turns into a negative belief that you aren't loved. If left to spiral, before you know it you could be contemplating a world better off without you in it! I have experienced this myself, & unfortunately lost more friends than I'd like to this terrible delusion. The positive thing is that rumination can be intercepted before the cloud of apathy takes hold. I have learnt that apathy is a trigger to a negative cycle. Moreover, when I notice my internal disposition shifts toward apathy, I know that the outcome could quickly become destructive. I can't be bothered to meet up with my friend this weekend. He probably doesn't want to meet me anyway! Emotional intelligence is recognising these feelings as they emerge, & instead of submitting to their grip, you create tools that question your own disposition (Mark Manson, Subte Art; Goleman, Emotional Intelligence). My first step toward learning was to become repulsed by the cloud of apathy, & to challenge it whenever it arose.

Obsession is the Antidote

At the center of a depressive mood & the cloud of apathy, is obsession. You obsess about being a failure, about loneliness, about being ugly, about being stressed, about how you hate your career! As noted, rumination is the vehicle for those obsessive thoughts to dominate. Lesson one in apathy repulsion, & the first step to moving in a positive direction is simply to become obsessed with something else. If anyone knows me they will know that I obsess about whatever endeavor I set my mind too. What they don't realise however is that this is my internal strategy to conquer any form of apathy from my life.

I took to the outdoors & the mountains to surround myself with things that were bigger than myself. Quickly my mind shifted from negative internal depressive obsession, toward how I could equip myself to become fitter, stronger & more equipped to navigate these dangerous environments. No longer did I lay in bed ruminating about how sh*t my life was, but instead found excitement & a sense of urgency to change my experience. Nietzsche famously quoted, 'those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'!' When you shift your internal dialogue outward to the external, to something bigger than yourself, three things begin to happen:

1. You become incredibly productive. Which becomes a powerful motivator to keep progressing as you see the results. It provides increased self-worth & self-efficacy, conquering the cloud of apathy & the grips of depressive mood.

2. You become inspired to want more. Which begins to turn the tide of rumination & despair. Building stronger resilience to bounce back & try new things with the new sense of belief & value you have found in yourself.

3. You begin to tell yourself a new story about the person you believe yourself to be.

Plato perfectly describes this new person when he questions, 'are not the souls which have most courage & sense least liable to be upset & changed by external influences?' (The Republic). Obsession may only be the first & superficial step toward destroying depression, but it works. Your mind was already obsessed! Why not just re-channel that obsession in a way that edifies & restores you, as opposed to pulls you down & oppresses? Psychologists call this 'positive distraction' (see these brilliant books on this subject: Angela Duckworth, Grit; Carol Dweck, Mindset). One of the best ways out of depression is simply a distraction from yourself.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

I have just finished reading a great book by Mark Manson. It has challenged me to the core. In the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck the central premise of the book is learning what & what not to care about. Paradoxically, usually at the core of the cloud of apathy is actually too much care about something, not less! I look hideous in this dress so I'm not going out tonight, is actually someone giving too much f*cks about what people think of their appearance. I'm not going to bother writing these blog articles because nobody wants to listen to what I have to say, was actually me worrying too much about how people perceived me (true story, that I had told myself for a year before I got started).

Lesson two in apathy repulsion is therefore practicing the art of authentic self expression, irrespective of what people think. For too long my depressive internal dialogue was focused too much on being accepted. When I reflect back on my life this has been the driver for many of my shortfalls. Rejecting my genuine love for metal music in my early teens for sub-par indi-pop. Why? To gain acceptance in the cool brigade! Rejecting extreme sports for football, even know I have never actually really liked football. Why? To gain acceptance. To be seen as tough, when in actual fact I've always been afraid of conflict. Why? To gain acceptance. There's no wonder the cloud of apathy took a grip in my early twenties! I had created an fictitious identity that wasn't true to myself. I had given too much f*cks about what everyone else thought, than finding my own path. It truly is liberating for anyone to discover the subtle art of not giving a f*ck for themselves.

Summary

Depression & happiness are at war with each other, like order & chaos (Jordan Peterson, 12 Rules for Life). Happiness is never a destination, but a state of being. 'The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts' (Marcus Aurelius). In the biblical story, before there was order (creation), chaos & darkness covered the face of the earth (Genesis 1:1 NRSV). Whether you believe this story or not is irrelevant. The underlying truth is that without authentic self-expression life is formless & void. Meaning & light are added when the internal conversation shifts toward speaking new life in to existence. Over philosophical? Maybe. But when you re-channel your depressive ruminations into more meaningful & positive obsessions you unlock a new door & a new internal story is created. Not one of sorrow, despair, or apathy. But of potential, aspirations & self-value. However, this is only possible if you refuse to shackle yourself with the external opinions & values of others, but instead adopt the subtle art of not giving a f*ck!. “What man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for some goal worthy of him. What he needs is not the discharge of tension at any cost, but the call of a potential meaning waiting to be fulfilled.” (Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning).

Depression is hard work. If you have experienced it there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better. But, depression is beatable. It doesn't need to dominate every moment of your life. & for the most part it can be treated, not with medication, but with a new venture, or a new interest, or the rebirth of an old one. Nature is a great healer. There's nothing like the honest work of climbing a mountain to remind you how small we are in this universe! side note: you will get the same neurological benefits from any of these activities than any prescribed medication can provide. medication is good for serious cases of depression, but before you see a doctor, please consider these first.

If you are struggling, talk to someone. Feel free to send me a message. I have been as far as you can be in the pit before the point of no return. Somehow I am still here to tell the story & my life now is a million miles away from the edge of chaos it once was. So yours can be too!

Much love,

Ross