Stoic Lessons: How Not to Make People Look at Their Watch

Communication is one of the first things we learn in life. Yet, how many of us actively think about how we communicate in the different spheres of our lives? We have all sat in those environments where someone rambles on - not realising their listener is paying more attention to their watch than what they are saying! The ancient Stoics have provided some useful tools to help keep people more engaged.

I was in an environment recently with a group of people brainstorming ideas - always a recipe for disaster for introverted people like me. With a number of people contributing, I noticed that when certain people began to speak the rest of the group would quickly glance at their watches, with glazed eyes.

We have all met these people, of whom proceed to tell long-winded stories, providing every detail of whatever event happened in their lives, & often repeating themselves like an essay, to include an abstract, introduction and conclusion to their story.

What is it that makes some people engaging? While others quickly lose their listeners , yet often having no idea they have done so?

I have started 2023 by reading the first century Stoic philosopher, Epictetus, of whom tackles this very topic over 2000 years ago. He provides some helpful, but stern advice to help stop people looking at their watches.

The Art of Concise Conversation

'Be silent for the most part, or, if you speak, say only what is necessary and in a few words'

- Epictetus (The Handbook)

There is a skill in the careful selection of what you are going to say. Whether it be in social or business settings, the loudest person in the room isn't necessarily the smartest (or most competent); & often those who vomit masses of information usually lack the confidence to remain silent. Just because you are present in a meeting, or among friends, it doesn't mean you need to communicate.

Adam Grant has discussed how sometimes the quietest in the room is often the person with the most to say (Originals). Moreover, there is greater weight & a better contribution to the discussion when the input is carefully considered, as opposed to simply vomiting words to reduce the fear of silence.

When writing an essay there are certain rules to follow: You tell the reader what you are going to say. You say it. Then you tell them what you have said. However, this is not an effective form of communication, yet many follow this strategy when talking. The best communication is linear without the need to circle round & repeat what has already been said - especially with time constraints considered.

Conversely, the best essays have the most concise sentences. The art of a good sentence is to ensure the information is portrayed in as few words as possible, with every sentence structured with purpose. The most engaging conversationalists have mastered the art of being confident with selecting only what is relevant to the conversation.

The listener doesn't need to know that the person in your story is called Paul, had a yellow jumper on, was friendly, or was from Huddersfield, if the purpose was only to tell us that he worked in IT. This is the quickest way to get someone to look at their watch!

Questions are Better Than Stories

'In your conversation, avoid talking at length or overmuch about your own exploits... for pleasant though it may be for you to recall your perils, it is not as pleasant for others to listen to everything that has happened to you'.

- Epictetus (The Handbook)

We all no someone who only ever talks about themselves; or whom loves to reminisce about times past, with overly detailed descriptions of the events that have happened in their lives. Stories of reminiscence can be great for groups who share the same memories - to solidify group cohesion, but terrible if the majority of the group have no involvement with that memory.

Similar to being concise in the careful selection of relevant details that make for an engaging story, the details that are salient to you are often not important to the listener. The best stories are summaries of an event, with details added only that are relevant - or funny if the purpose to get a laugh.

Long stories with too much detail, that are dragged out longer than the conversation intends, will lose my attention faster than an episode of Eastenders.

The greatest conversationalists spend less time telling stories, & more time asking questions. This contributes to three things that make for a good discussion:

1. It shows a genuine interest in the people present - or an interest in finding the best solutions. This makes for a better engagement of every person in the room because it includes everyone in the conversation - not just the loudest personality.

2. Good questions reduce the waffle, & focus the intention on purposeful conversation. The ancient philosophers have long understood that the answer to many problems lies in asking the right questions; which is why Socrates, Epictetus, & the ancient Rabbi's would often be seen offering questions, instead of advice, to help build understanding.

3. A good conversationalist works as a facilitator to find points of connection to the discussion. By asking questions out of an interest to actively learn about other people, you learn about each person's unique experiences, which help build connections between the people engaged in the conversation.

Summary

We spend most of our lives talking, whether it be in business meetings, having drinks with friends, or interacting with strangers on the bus. If there was a poll conducted that asked how engaging others felt you were, what do you think it would look like?

The truth is, all of us could do with learning some better communication skills. With the busyness of work many of us are often frustrated spending too much time in meetings, where there are usually only a few people contributing. Where often the best ideas are left unsaid because the quieter members have not found connection!

In a social setting where one person dominates the conversation with many accolades about themselves, imagine if you replaced over detailed stories about yourself, with an active interest in knowing more about your friend or colleague.

In your next interaction why not follow some of Epicestus' advice, to speak less, with fewer words, & only when necessary. Ask yourself, is this story relevant? If so, what is a good summary? Why not give your listener the opportunity to ask for the details themselves? At least that way you'll be sure to keep them engaged! Ask yourself, do I need to contribute right now, or am I just scared of silence?

After all, a moment of carefully considered silence is much better than ten minutes of rambling noise that makes the majority of people wish they were elsewhere.

Much love,

Rossi