The Power of Habit 3/5: The Lost Art of Friendship

Real friendship is like an art. If you fail to value or become complacent with it, friendship can quickly become an after thought in amongst the mountain of activities that swallow our time. But, what is friendship? & why have I selected friendship as part of a series on habits? In this week's post I explain how cultivating a habit of building/maintaining friendships is crucial to living a good life.

1. Rise of the None Player Character (NPC)

Have you ever noticed how the longer you go without learning a person's name, the harder it becomes to build the courage to ask? We have all met that person who we talk to regularly, whether it be the person at the gym or in the pub, but we have failed to learn their name. Often frustratingly to yourself (& probably them too), you awkwardly go past the point of no return! Getting that name becomes almost seemingly impossible, & you both continue with your usual interaction, while internally wondering what is your damn name?

There is something powerful about learning a person's name. There is a transaction of relational connection that occurs at that very moment. Moreover, when you learn a person's name its like a gateway of relationship is opened, which helps you to begin learning more about them. You may be able to have ample interactions, but without a name you simply cannot build relationships.

Almost everyday there is an elderly lady who walks past my garden along the canal. Whenever we see each other she always stops & asks how I am doing, how my house renovation is progressing, & what is the name of my dog. The conversation is always identical! Likewise, I reply with the usual niceties & ask how her husband is getting on. To which she dives into great detail about his illness. I have never met her husband, or seen him. Whether he actually exists I will never know. I don't know her name & she doesn't know mine, & although I tell her every time, she doesn't know my dog's name either.

I had an epiphany recently while thinking about this woman, that without an act of courage from either of us, we have gone past that dreaded awkward point of no return. Its a pleasant enough interaction, but without her name she will remain a None Player Character in my life.

An NPC is a character in a video game that is controlled by the computer, & not by the person playing the game. Its the bystander in Grand Theft Auto that your character can interact with, punch in the face, or even run over with a tank, but has no bearing on the outcome of the game. Ryan Reynolds in the film Free Guy, of whom plays an NPC, has an existential crisis at that very thought.

After my interaction with my own elderly NPC I began thinking about the other NPC's in my life. How many of us go to the office & have identical interactions with our colleagues? We know their names (thank god for email signatures), we have pleasant conversation about the weekend or our kids, we may even dance & drink with them once a year at the Christmas party, but they have no real bearing on the outcome of our lives? Who are they? None Player Characters! Likewise, growing up I recall spending lengthy afternoons in the pub with people of whom I would have a laugh & a joke, reminisce about previous fun times spent in the same pub, but they too had no real bearing on my life. I would call them friends. but only when I left that town, would I discover they too were only NPC's. So how do you move beyond NPC status? What are the hallmarks of a great friendship?

2. Hallmarks of a Friend

When thinking about the hallmarks of a great friend I could spend a whole series exploring it because it is such a big topic (in fact I probably will very soon). I have been conducting an experiment over the last twelve months, where I try to discuss, & bring up the conversation of friendship with people I know. Time & again I hear almost identical responses. There are usually, what I call, 'crowds surrounding people' - i.e. they have lots of people around them of whom they can enjoy regular beers, food, or conversation about shared interests. However, when prompted they often note how they lack any real connection with what you would call a real friend, especially among men! Dr Phil Stutz, in the Netflix Documentary, 'Stutz', observes how 'relationships are what keep you attached to life'. So what makes for a great friend?

Superiority Complex: Competition & Success

I can only speak from a male perspective, & many male relationships are bound by competition. One of my biggest frustrations is when the conversation among friends is ego-fueled & dominated by money. Men are incredibly competitive, & money or material possessions are usually used to induce testosterone & superiority.

True 'mutual' connection in a friendship is secure enough to not worry about, what Carol Dweck calls, the superiority complex (Mindset). That is, there isn't a need to illuminate yourself to be bigger, or more successful than a friend, because there is mutual respect & genuine authenticity to cut out the bull sh*t. One of my long term Yorkshire-lad friends is incredibly wealthy & successful, but never do our conversations evolve around ego-fueled superiority. Instead, there is genuine celebration of either of our successes.

Carol Dweck, in her groundbreaking book, Mindset, builds on the superiority complex in friendships. She notes how the usual understanding of the hallmark of a friend is someone who you can lean on in times of trouble. We often say that this person has my back! Though great & obviously important, she notes how, ego-wise, its easy to be sympathetic, with a warm shoulder to cry on, because 'failures & misfortunes don't threaten other peoples self-esteem'.

She develops this & instead asks, 'Who can you turn to when good things happen?' I have noticed that relationships that lack mutual connection, & are fueled by egotistical competition, struggle to truly celebrate your successes. With the superiority complex, their self-esteem is shaken by any positive that happens to the other (Mindset). Want to know who your real friends are? Watch their reaction next time you share a success in your life! Do they authentically celebrate you, or do they pay lip service before turning the conversation back toward themselves?

Reciprocity: It's Not (Just) About You!

How often do spend time with someone who talks only about themselves? To be honest I am not much of a chatter. I hate small talk. Moreover, in the company of new people, I often spend most of my time observing the conversation. Unless of course, I cannot escape & then I take on an ambivert persona, & instead strategically ask people questions to deflect from myself. Its a great strategy to learn interesting things about new people. This is a great strategy among strangers, but not so much among friends.

With a genuine friendship there requires high levels of reciprocity. Adam Grant explains how a true friend is one who helps you to become the best version of yourself (Give & Take). However, this is only possible when there is genuine interest in the other person. We have all been out with a friend who dominates every aspect of the conversation with whatever they have been doing. There is no dialogue. There is no real interest in you, or much else for that matter. There are no questions directed to yourself that resemble interest. This is not reciprocity. Its a one way street.

Yes, some people are more narcissistic & self-consumed than others, but they tend to have incredibly shallow friendships. There is an art to conversation among friends, which is like a game of tennis. Conversations among some of my closest friends consists of a back-n-forth of questions & observations that help to better understand each other. As you recall an NPC has no bearing on the outcome of the game. Helping your friend become the best version of themselves - i.e. someone of whom influences your life trajectory - is possible only with mutual reciprocity & a genuine interest in one another.

Reciprocity 2.0: Lean In

As I have repeated multiple times in my blogs, time is your most valuable asset. Life is very busy. Which is why if I am going to prize myself away from my immediate family, it is better to be spent wisely. This is true also of whom I choose to spend my time with. How many of us have experienced those one-sided relationships, where you make all the effort? How many people could you stop texting tomorrow, & would not hear anything back ever again? We have all wasted time chasing a connection with a 'friend' or family member that is not reciprocal. Life has evolved for me where almost all of my closest friends & family are dotted around the country, adding greater challenges to catching up. Which is why I have developed the reciprocal value of 'lean in'.

I use this value for 'friends' & 'family' alike, synonymously, because time is limited to connect with either. Moreover, I wouldn't prioritise family over friendship, I simply apply the value of 'lean in' for whom to spend my time with. Often much to my families despair! However, the value is incredibly important for the hallmarks of a great friendship, because reciprocity is imperative.

The value of 'lean in' is a gauge I use to see which of the people I love & dear are 'leaning in' to me. What does this mean? Phones are great for this. Are my texts or phone calls reciprocated - i.e. when I chat via phone/text, do they reach out off their own accord? We all like that random text or phone call from a friend, who does so simply to check in, to ask about your week or see how you're doing. Such people I lean straight back into, & intentionally focus the little time I have to cultivating that relationship. Where there is no 'lean in', there is zero wasted time allocated to that relationship! I'm ruthless with this. Ask my wife haha!

3. Cultivation & Connection

When you discover those genuine friendships, of whom meet the hallmarks of a great friend, there requires a focused & intentional habit to cultivate that relationship. After all, 'relationships are what keep you attached to life' (Shutz). But in order to build a habit of cultivation, you first need a value of friendship. Because without it, before long, you will be surrounded by NPC's, shallow relationships, & an empty void of genuine connection. Friendship cultivation is an art. So what is the art of cultivation?

For me, with my closest friends living nationwide, it is not always possible to simply nip for a beer. Moreover, there is only so much you can say through a text. However, if someone is truly 'leaning in', I will go the extra mile to make that connection happen. I like to lock dates in the diary & be rigourous about keeping that commitment. Sometimes things do come up that get in the way like a recent plan to meet a close friend for tea in Buxton, but ultimately If I say I'm going to be there, I will try my best to make it happen. Historically, I have driven an hour & half, after a ten hour shift at work, to simply meet a friend for tea. I once flew to Amsterdam, then got the train to Hilversum in the Netherlands, to have coffee with someone I was intentional to cultivate a friendship with. I also did the same thing with someone else in Poland. Friendship cultivation is an art!.

Intentionality is central to cultivation. Without it nothing will happen. Another intentional practice I follow is something simple like birthday cards. For the last 18 months I have been trying to get my closest friends birthdays added to my calendar. It sounds silly, but when someone receives a surprise card for a special occasion that is unique to that person, there is something solidifying & encouraging that happens. Likewise, I like to send random gifts to close people in my life for no reason other than the joy it imparts. Most have experienced that warm feeling of a surprise that your weren't expecting. For me, Intentionality is the only way to truly master the art of friendship!

Finally, Interest is the final recipe. Asking genuine questions & being present with a friend in their company, is vital to the art of cultivation. I have been sat in pubs, glaring bored at the wall, while friends have been sat scrolling on their phones. What better way to spend time with a friend than to be fully present & showing interest in what they've been up to?

Summary

When you take a closer look at your surroundings, you will probably realise that you are surrounded by a crowd of NPC's. NPC's are fine to some extent. You can still have a great time. You can dance, eat, or chat the night away. However, they are not there to help move your life forward in a positive way. They are there solely for association! The hallmarks of a true friend is reciprocal, in that its a two-way conversation, in word & in deed. They are leaning in & showing a genuine interest in the person you are becoming. They are a shoulder to cry on in times of hurt & sorrow, but they are also a champion to even the biggest of your successes. They aren't trying to compete, but have mutual respect, & zero tolerance for superiority.

Friendship is an art that must be valued in order to develop a strong habit of cultivation. The recipe for the art is intentionality & rigourous commitment to connection. If someone is leaning in to you, its up to you to go the extra mile to build that connection. Its only then will you build a depth of lasting friendships. These are the kind you only need a few of.

However, be open to build new friendships, & likewise be content when old friendships fizzle out! Life is busy, people change & move down different paths. The best friends will be there again one day, sometimes years down the line. In the same way, there are always new friends to be made. The hallmarks of a great friend can be just as relevant to gauging potential new friendships, as with old. This is why I have been able to make friends with people all over the world, & continue to be open to make new ones in the future. Who are your friends? Do they meet the criteria of the true hallmark of a friend? How can you solidify & cultivate your current friendships? What can you do to build potential new ones? Maybe it starts by simply learning their name. This is the art of friendship.

Much love,

Rossi